Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.
Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.
primeoptimus wrote:Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.
Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.
well,i am open for suggestions.so,any thoughts?
btw,what should i improve on
Senor Hugo wrote:primeoptimus wrote:Senor Hugo wrote:Yep, you posted this in the wrong forum.
Other than that, wasn't very good. Not a bad start, but needs a lot of work, and proof reading.
well,i am open for suggestions.so,any thoughts?
btw,what should i improve on
Improve on everything. Honestly if 10 was a top score, I'd give it a 1.5
Take nothing I say as an insult, you do have potential, but you gotta work at it.
First figure out what kind of medium your writing is trying to be. Is it a script for a radio program, a general fiction story, a tv script, a comic script, etc?
Secondly describe what is actually going on. I mean, where are they fighting? I see no description, so to anyone who didn't read the first episode would assume they must be fighting in some random white void of nothing.
Seriously, descriptions are good. Instead of "narrator:we are at the predacon base,megatron is rebiult and announcing his new plan..." which is just terrible and bland.
You could do instead something along the lines of:
The Decepticons retreat to the Predacon base in the southern hemisphere of Cybertron near the citadel at Polyhex. Upon arriving Soundwave places Megatron in a stasis chamber to rebuild and revitalize the nearly dead leader of the Decepticons. After much rebuilding and preparation Megatron summons the Decepticons and Predacons to the ready-room inside the base, where he reveals his new plan.
While not perfect, something this descriptive which took little effort to come up with, is vastly superior over the narrator saying "ok this happened now."
Another thing, get rid of the narrator entirely. Go with more description and dialog to fill in the blanks instead of a narrator leading the reader through on a leash.
What happened to Megatron upon returning to the Predacon base, what took place while he was being repaired? What were the Autobots doing during this time? Who was in charge of the Decepticons during all of this? Did anyone try to stage a coup to try and take over the Decepticons?
It's questions like that, that should be asked to give any story more depth and make it all around more satisfying.
Another thing, spellcheck, write out your story in wordpad or Microsoft Word or something, then when making the post paste it over.
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